Air Traffic Control

[microlight]

These are simply brilliant! And here was me thinking that the airline industry didn't have its fair share of Basil Fawltys!

[Splash]

Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already     notified our caterers"  

 I have heard some good airline jokes but those were some of the best.  Will never eat airline food again  lol

Laughed so hard, I cried

Splash

[Scottler]

Watch it.....Continental food is awesome.  (And I don't get paid by them anymore, so you know that's a fair review!)

[N556EP]

I have Some i have alot actually but we will see if they are any good lol.

On the Paticular night of this story, the crew of a USAF KC-135 is airborne and monitoring the exchanges on radio between a trainee air traffic controller and the crew of a high flying SR-71 Blackbird, Callsign "Habu 29"

KC-135 First Officer: "Captain I dont think that controller's got the foggiest Idea what a Blackbird is or what it can do"

Trainee Controller: "Habu 29" understand you are requesting 80 thousand! Is that affirmative?"

Habu 29: " Thats affirm"

TC: " Well if you think you can make it, go ahead and try!"

Habu 29: " Roger Habu 29 outa 90 thousand decending for 80 thousand!"
There was nothing but stunnd silence from the hapless Air Traffic Controller.
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In this story, set at a fairly large airport in the america midwest, an instructor and student are holding on the RWY in their Cessna 172, waiting for departing traffic on the cross RWY. Suddenly, a deer runs out of a nearby bushland, stops in the middle of the RWY and just stands there looking at them.

Tower: Cessna 5 4 Gulf, cleared for takeoff.

Student: what'll i do tower? theres a deer in fromt of us.

Tower: What do you think you should do?

Student: Maybe if i taxi up to him it'll scare him.

Tower: good idea.

The 172 taxied up towards the deer, but the deer is macho and firmly holds his spot on the RWY.

Tower: I say Again, cessna 1-8-5-4-Golf, clear for Take off sir, RWY three-six! ( Now starting to loose Patience)

Student: What should I do tower?

Tower: T-H-I-N-K!

Student: I'm t-r-y-i-n-g to think.
then for no paticular reason the deer bolts for the woods  from the active RWY. Two seconds later.....

Tower: cessna 5 4 golf, cleared for depature runway three-six Caution wake turbulence, departing deer!
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Following a bombing mission over south Vietnam, a B-52 is Homeward bound for Guam, several thousand klics to the east.
as it trundels on, its 8 engines humming reassuringly in the cold air, two loitering F-4 Phantoms formate on the giant bomber to "escort" it from Vietnamese airspace.
After a little friendly banter between the crews of the fighters and the giant bomber the Phantom lead serenely performs a roll over, around and under the lumbering giant to settle nicly off its starboard wingtip.
 "very impressive, very smooth" comes the response fromt the stratofortress skipper. "thank you" exclaims an obviously superior feeling phantom pilot. " Now why don't you show us what you can do ?"   suggests the phantom pilot in a semi mocking tone amidst subdued laughter from his back seater.
 Well nothing much happnes for about 3 min. and the fighter pilots are wondering what's going on.
 " well what did you do?"  asks a curious Phantom lead.
 " Well son, we did something that you boys could never do, we just shut down two engines!"
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Here are some Maintenance complaints apparently submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

PROBLEM: Left inside main tire almost needs replacing.
Solution:    Almost replaced left inside main tire

Problem: Test Flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution:  Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

Problem1: No 2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
Solution1: No 2 propeller seepage normal.
Problem2: Nos 1, 3 and 4 Propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem: The autopilot doesn't.
Signed off: IT DOES NOW.

Problem: something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.

Promblem: Evidence of Hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.

Problem: DME Volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: Volume set to a more Believable level.

Problem: Dead bugs on Windshield.
Solution:    live bugs on order.

Problem:Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200ft/min descent.
Solution: cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: that's what they're there for.

Promblem: number three engine mising.
Solution: engine found on the right wing after brief search.

I have lots more let me know if you like them .    

[Scottler]

They were good, but the last one has been going around the internet forever as actual write ups from commercial airline pilots.

[Redwing]

Great post Jamese!

As a GA pilot, I've heard some pretty funny and not so funny exchanges from pilots and controllers over the years. This also offers a good example of one of the major differences between real and simulated flight....Communications. In real aviation, you have to be on the ball at all times with ATC; you have to think, talk, listen and respond promptly.....especially at busier airports. Controllers tend to have little patience with slow or seemingly indecisive communications or actions from pilots.

The same 'canned' phrases that you hear in FS2k2 may help students to learn the basic lingo, but it falls far short  from duplicating the seriousness and urgency of real-life pilot/controller communications.

[zcottovision]

@N556EP:

Those were fantastic, you should definitely post some more!

This thread, more than any other, has had me in stitches!

[N556EP]

Here ya GO!

A Solitary Quantas 747 was making a slow progress about three quarters of the distance to the threshold of RW34 at Sydney. The crew called "ready" and after a shoryt delay, the folowing conversation transpired.

Tower: "Quantas 3, clear for takeoff , and ahh... keep it rolling."

Quantas: (Singing the song rawhide)... "Rollin' - Rollin' Rollin'!"

Tower: (Quantas 3 just Airborne) "Quantas 3 - Rawhide contact Depature on 123 decimal zero."
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A pilot was recently flying some circuits at Canberra to, as he puts it, "keep the dust off his CSU and RETRAC endorsements". He took a friend from work, who wa at the time doing his Restricted Licence and who had been advised by his instructor to practice his radio procedures.
  The workmate was doing fine, with little prompting,
until they were cleared to touch and go, maintain RWY heading. they were abeam mount Ainslie by the time they recived further instructions.

Tower: "Charlie Sierra hotel, make right circuit."

Workmate: " But there's a hill in the way"

Tower: "Miss the hill, then make right circuit.
----------------------------------------------------------------------  this story plays ouit at meigs Airport
Tower: "Noivember 3-4 Bravo is cleared for touch and go, and by the way that's the 29!"
  Several more circuits later.....

N1234B: "tower, november 34 bravo, final for touch and go!"

Tower:  November 3-4 Bravo , cleared for touch and go. Listin brother, how many more circuits were you planning on making?"

N1234B: 3-4 Bravo just a couple more!"

Tower: " Roger err..... ah, I just wondered buddy "cause we were calculating your landing fees, and your now up too Thirteen Thousand, sevan hundred and thirty six dollars and 89 cents."
             There was a long delay......
N1234B: "Ahh.. Tower, this is November 3-4 bravo, that was our last one, were coming in for a full stop!"

Tower: Just kidding brother! next time read your flight supplement.
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Not really aviation realted but still funny.

-Monitored on a maritime VHF Freq

Station1: "please divert your course 15 Degrees north to avoid collision"

Station2: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.

Station1: this is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say Again, divert Y-O-U-R course!

Station2: Negative, i say again, divert your course!

Station1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WAR SHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOU COURSE NOW!

Station2: This is a light house! your call captain!

I have lots more just tell me if you want more also include if you would like more military, commerical or GA stuff.  

[Scottler]

lol those were awesome too.  The visual in my mind involves the following flight crew on the Qantas "Rawhide":

Captain Steve Irwin
First Officer Paul Hogan
Second Officer Mel Gibson

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Great stories Jamese     they had us laughing here at home and im still laughing as i type this  ;D