One year I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... the next year I didn't buy her a gift.
When my wife asked me why, I replied, "Well, she still hasn't used the gift I bought her last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's how the fight started...
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My wife was looking in the bedroom mirror, not happy with what she saw.
"I feel horrible," she informed me, "I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Well, Your eyesight is darn near perfect."
And that's how the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man, sitting alone at a nearby table, swigging his drink.
"Do you know him?" I asked.
"Yes," she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago; I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's how the fight started...
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt," to which, quizzically, I opened my shirt to reveal my curly silver hair.
She replied, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She responded, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability too."
And then the fight started...
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Our lawn mower broke and my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow, I always had something else to take care of first; the shed, the boat... something always seemed more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
One day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house for, perhaps, a minute. When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again but I will always have a limp.
8-)
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