He Never Said Cash Or Check
Two brothers jointly owned a business and both were wise in worldly ways. While dying, one brother instructed his sibling to put half of their combined wealth into the grave with the casket. The brother reluctantly agreed. In time his brother died. At the graveside ceremony the living brother wrote a check for half of their assets and placed it in the casket.
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Never Right
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
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The Confession
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked. "What did you take?" his priest asked. "Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake." "This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?" "No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
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Trapped
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
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US Economy Woes
1...Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
2...The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
3...Motel Six WON'T leave the light on.
4...Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
5...Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great...the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.
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Bumper Stickers
1...I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
2...Born free... taxed to death.
3...The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
4...Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5...A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
6...There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
7...I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
8...The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
9...I got a gun for my wife, best trade I've ever made.
10...Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
11...Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
12...Horn broken, watch for finger.
13...Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
14...This isn't Burger King, you can't have it your way.
15...I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
16...If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
17...Where are we going? And why are we in this hand basket?
18...Keep honking, I'm reloading.
19...Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
20...WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
21...Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy
22...Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
23...Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
24...Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
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Out Of Office Emails
1...I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2...Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
3...I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
4...Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5...Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
6...Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
7...I've run away to join a different circus.
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