1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens
mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
partner from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take
taste away. Apply Band-Aid to partner's forearm and remove blood from carpet
with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to
cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little b*st*rd's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough
about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash
pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get partner to drive you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop
to see if they have any hamsters.
TSC.
