My co-pilot did not hear it and gave me a strange look when I was doubled-over laughing. 'Northwest 605' was a DC-9. 'Flagship (Pinnacle) 5600' was a CRJ. The exchange went like this...
Northwest 605: "Northwest 605 request taxi to the active MSP."
Ground: "Northwest 605 taxi to runway **, follow the CRJ, you will be number two."
Northwest 605: "Roger, we will follow the Smurf-Jet."
Flagship 5600: "At least my airplane does not qualify for an AARP membership.."
(For those who don't know, AARP is the American Association of Retired Persons, and CRJ stands for Canadair Regional Jet.)
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In Texas. A controller was trying to deliver a clearance that was mostly "cleared as filed" but with one change at the departure and arrival airport. After two incorrect readbacks, the frustrated controller blurted out "Okay, that's enough tries for you. Let me talk to Beavis."
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A huge C-5 cargo plane was sitting near where a small plane was waiting to take off. The private pilot got a little nervous because the military plane was closer than normal, and asked the tower to find out the intentions of the C-5. Before the tower could reply, a voice came over the radio as the C-5's nose cargo doors opened, saying, "I'm going to eat you."
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A young, newly checked out local controller at Logan Airport granted the request of a Trans Portuguese "707" to use non-active 15R (the longest runway) for departure and cleared the plane to "taxi into position and hold". Seeing what he thought was a short pause coming in crossing operations, he told the crew to "Be ready and spool 'em up!" The old "oil burner" sat on the runway with fire walled engines belching clouds of black smoke over nearby neighborhoods for many minutes. Only when the ground controller announced that airport fire apparatus was responding to a major fire in East Boston did anyone in the tower realize that the rookie (now stirring his newly poured coffee) had forgotten the plane and everything from Orient Heights to the Mystic River Bridge had disappeared in his exhaust.
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A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
And here are some maintenace reports and their responses
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Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
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A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their pilots were chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass
the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that
their planes were better because of their manueverability, weaponry and the like.
The C-130 pilot replied "Yeh? Well I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Just watch," he tells them. The C-130 continues to fly straight and level, and after several minutes the Herk pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?"
Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"
He replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went in the back and took a p!$$."
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COMMENT---RESPONCE
Something loose in cockpit---Something tightened in cockpit.
Left-inside main tire almost needs replacing---Almost replaced left-inside main tire.
Unfamiliar noise coming from No.2 engine---Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.
Mouse in cockpit---Cat installed
Target radar hums---Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics
Number three engine missing [not firing properly presumably]---Engine found on starboard wing after brief search.
Aircraft handles funny---Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious
Whining sound heard on engine shutdown---Pilot removed from aircraft
Noise coming from under instrument panel, sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer---Took hammer away from midget.
Suspected crack in windshield---Suspect you are right
Test flight okay, except Auto-Land very rough---Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft
Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns---Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
Dead bugs on windshield---Live bugs on back order
Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent---Cannot reproduce problem on ground
Evidence of leak on right main landing gear---Evidence removed
No2 propeller seeping prop fluid---No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick---That's what they are for.
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Enjoy
