Enjoy
LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
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Tower: "Height and position?"
Pilot: "I am 6ft 2 and I'm sitting.
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A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.
So, this one time he was approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
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The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was just as obviously enjoying himself.
He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!"
"Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. Put up the tray, b#*%h!"
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ATC: Lufthansa 1234, are you an A330 or an A340?
DLH1234: Huh? An A340 of course, why?
ATC: Well then, would you mind switching on your other two engines as well and expedite your climb?
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In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always
remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (his backseater)
and I were screaming across Southern California, 13 miles up.
We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft and the
Los Angeles Air Traffic Control Center as we entered the Los Angeles area airspace.
Though they didn't really control us, the Center did monitor our movement across their scope.
I heard a single-engine Cessna ask for a read-out of its ground speed.
"90 knots," Center replied.
Moments later, a Twin Beech requested the same.
"120 knots," Center answered.
We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day; as almost
instantly an F/A-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."
There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."
Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was,
when I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater.
It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for
we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"
There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen 20, I show 1,742 knots."
There were no further ground speed inquiries.
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In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a
request for clearance to FL 60 (flight level 60,000 ft). The incredulous controller,
with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How exactly do you plan to get up to
60,000 feet?"
The pilot (obviously a sled driver) responded, "Center, we were hoping to descend to it."
He was cleared immediately....
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A C-5 Galaxy and a 747 were taxiing next to each other, when the pilot of the C-5 Feeling very full of himself, with a little attitude asked the pilots of the 747 what there Gross was. Now the C-5 meant gross weight, but the pilots of the 747 caught on very quickly, and responded $250,000 a year, what's yours?
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Aeroflot-Pilot: Bratislava Tower, Aeroflot 123, goodmorning, we're established ILS 16.
Tower: Aeroflot 123, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm and by the way: this is ViennaTower.
Pilot: (after a pause) Bratislava Tower, Aeroflot 123 passed the outer marker.
Tower: Aeroflot 123 roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!
Pilot: (after a longer pause) Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?
Tower: You can believe me, this is Vienna
Pilot: But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!
Tower: Aeroflot 123 , discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava.
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