"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
- Rich Cook
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
- Seen on a bumper sticker
"The nice thing about Windows is- It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first."
- Sig of Arno Schaefer
"The Internet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea - massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it."
- Gene Spafford
"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage."
- Mark Russell
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla."
- Mitch Ratcliffe
"If we get involved in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"
- Readers' Q and A column in TV Guide, 1985
"The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order."
- Brian Pickrell
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
- Groucho Marx
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
- Groucho Marx
"Only a brain-damaged operating system would support task switching and not make the simple next step of supporting multitasking."
- George McFry
"For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong."
- H. L. Mencken
"A debugged program is one for which you have not yet found the conditions that make it fail."
- Jerry Ogdin
"I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. It means we get to keep all our old mistakes."
- Dennie van Tassel
"Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?"
- Kelvin Throop III
"Excusing bad programming is a shooting offense, no matter _what_ the circumstances."
- Linus Torvalds, to the linux-kernel list
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
- Bill Watterson, in his comic strip Calvin and Hobbes
"Black holes are where God divided by zero"
- Steven Wright
"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
- Steven Wright
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
- Steven Wright
"I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ..."
- Steven Wright
"I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!""
- Steven Wright
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
- Steven Wright
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
- Carl Zwanzig
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
- Douglas Adams
I got these from www.funquotes.witticism.org/
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