Okay! Another round of tales from the SimV graveyard!
A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she'd left her last employment, she replied, "Well sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called Bridge and a lot of folks were there.
As I was about to bring in the refreshments I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've got!"
Another man said, "I've got strength but no length".
Another man said to a lady, "Take your hand off my trick". I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, "You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise".
Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies were talking and one said, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine".
Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one them didn't say, "Well I guess we'll go home now. That was the last rubber".
I think Ozzy needs to try a little of this . . .
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
A Canadian man was having coffee=and croissants with butter and jam in a Tim Horton's, when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Canadian man ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"
"Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a big container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada."
The American had a smirk on his face.
The Canadian listened in silence.
The American persisted. "Do ya eat jelly with the bread?"
Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."
The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course," said the American.
Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum, and sell them to the United States."
- Big City lawyer goes duck hunting, and shot a bird which fell on a old farmers property. As the lawyer was climbing the fence to retrieve the bird, the old farmer drove up in his tractor
- Lawyer said "I shot the duck, it fell in the field and Im going to get it"
-Farmer: "You go on my land, I will sue and take everything you own"
- Lawyer: "You dont let me get that duck, I will sue you and take everything you own"
- Farmer: " Apparently you dont know how we do things out here. We settle small disagreements with the "Three Kick Rule. I kick you three times, then you kick me three times and back and forth til one of us gives up"
Lawyer thought about and felt he could easily take the old codger and agreed to do it.
The Old farmer climbs down from his tractor, walked up to the city feller and planted the toe of his heavy workboots into the lawyers groin dropping him to his knees, Second kick was in the nose bloodying him and the third to the kidneys almost causing the lawyer to give up.
- The lawyer summoned every ounce of energy and getting to his feet said "Okay old man, now its my turn"
- The old farmer just smiled at him and said "Naw, I give up, you can have the duck"
More to come . . .
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