At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual
later discovered to be a public school teacher was
arrested trying to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule,
and a calculator. At a morning press conference,
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the
man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He
is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of
math instruction.
Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzales said. "They
desire average solutions by means and extremes, and
sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute
value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and
refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have
determined they belong to a common denominator of the
axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As
the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There
are 3 sides to every triangle.'"
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush
said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of
math instruction, He would have given us more fingers
and toes."
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