Revocation of independence.

[Woodlouse2002]

I just received this in an email and found it bloody funny.

It was reputedly written by John Cleese, but take that with a pinch of salt as I can't find anywhere confirming this. Anyway...

"NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE"
by John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the /Oxford English Dictionary/.
Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are! welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in /Frasier/). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as /"Taggart" /will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the _good_ guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as /"Men Behaving Badly"/ or /"Red Dwarf"/ will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, /"God Save The
Queen"/, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

Continued below....

[Woodlouse2002]

Continued from above....

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.

You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

[Anti-Societys Snake]

Every thing sounds good except for the no elections ans now guns. if those 2 happend, I'd weld some cans together and haul on out to space.

[SilverFox441]

Looks fine...except for point 6.

It seems the person who wrote this (Cleese?) didn't realize that in 1992 and 1993 the World Series was won by the Toronto Blue Jays...from Canada. Most of the players were from the Dominican Republic.

btw...We can't have anything replaced by Soccer...except perhaps the National Paint Drying Finals, and it's questionable if even that event is more exciting. 90 minutes of chasing a big white ball around a golf course (minus the cursing that normally accompanies chasing a ball around a golf course)...followed by being told that the Nil-Nil tie was thrilling.

[beefhole]

PLEASE! PLEASE SAVE US!

[Hagar]

Good one Woody.

btw...We can't have anything replaced by Soccer...except perhaps the National Paint Drying Finals, and it's questionable if even that event is more exciting. 90 minutes of chasing a big white ball around a golf course (minus the cursing that normally accompanies chasing a ball around a golf course)...followed by being told that the Nil-Nil tie was thrilling.

You've obviously never watched a professional football (soccer) match. Even on TV you don't have to be a lip-reader to know what they're saying. Footballers are not known for their intelligence & every other word they say is either a swear word or profanity. It's not uncommon nowadays for there to be a mass punch-up on the pitch at some point in the proceedings & even the team managers (they call them coaches now ) have been known to get involved. The language the average kid's team uses would make the chaps in my workshop blush, which would be quite a feat in itself.

I used to love a good football match but needless to say I don't bother watching it now. Like many others "sports" it stopped being a sport many years ago.

[Craig.]

LOL all but number 6 i have to agree with

[SilverFox441]

Sorry Hagar, I should have been more clear.

It's not the cursing, per se, that is missing...it's the rather more erudite versions normally heard on a golf course that is missing.

American Football has the advantage that, at least theoretically, the players have all attended a place of higher learning.

[Hagar]

Sorry Hagar, I should have been more clear.

It's not the cursing, per se, that is missing...it's the rather more erudite versions normally heard on a golf course that is missing.

Never having played golf in my life I'll take your word on that.

American Football has the advantage that, at least theoretically, the players have all attended a place of higher learning.

That's just as well. You would need a college degree to figure out the rules. I never did. Mind you, I never went to college (university) either.

[TacitBlue]

I dont know wether to be offended or laugh. Luckily I fit into the 2.15%, so I do understand Brittish humo(u)r to some degree.

[beaky]

Sorry, but I'm afraid I can't allow this, although some of the items listed seem perfectly sensible (in true British fashion). However, there's a Budweiser bottling plant just down the road from me near KEWR; I'd be happy to direct fire from my kitchen window for an airstrike... perhaps a few cruise missiles.
 And as far as "W" goes, I did all I could, which was vote.

[Woodlouse2002]

American Football has the advantage that, at least theoretically, the players have all attended a place of higher learning.

And have all blown the oppertunities given by playing a mundane version of rugby.

[Craig.]

Are we going to start this one again Woody?

[Woodlouse2002]

Are we going to start this one again Woody?

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

Nuff said, argument over.

[jordonj]

Hee Hee