Open Mouth- Insert Foot

[Jared]

LOL, now that's a good one there buddy..:-)

[Fozzer]

..."Jump Leads"....?

..sounds like an exciting alternative to messing about trying to start the car... ... ...!

Cheers Doug...!

Paul.

[Hagar]

..."Jump Leads"....?

..sounds like an exciting alternative to messing about trying to start the car... ... ...!

Cheers Doug...!

Paul.

LOL That occurred to me afterwards. I should have made a joke about it but I really wasn't in the mood at the time. Missed a great opportunity there. Story of my life. Never mind.

[Romulus111VADT]

LOL

This reminds of a young lady at work (whom I don't mind admitting I had a soft spot for at the time). Anyways, one night after work she was having problems starting her car (an old Mini) so old Muggins offered to have a look at if for her. I always was a sucker for a pretty face. ::)

After about 15 minutes of quietly cursing myself for being an idiot I still couldn't figure it out. It was getting colder & darker by the minute. In despair I said. "Try it now" but still no go. The battery was healthy & churning the old starter motor over like a good'un. Trying to be helpful she got out of the car & said: "I have some jump leads if that's any use". My reply is unrepeatable here.

When I left the service I took some vocational training in automotive mechanics. An elderly gentleman ran the "tool room" and would watch the goings on very intently. Well, one little fellow was working on a high energy ignition on a Cadillac (not me). He thought it a real nuisance to use fender covers. Well as he was checking the coil he asked his partner to turn it over a bit. Well, this guy started to hoot and holler like a mad man. After the partner stopped cranking the car the poor sob dropped to the floor holding himself between the legs. Apparently the spark (as with all electrical current) went to the nearest and shortest ground....the guy's penis. So he had a 20,000 volt ignition spark jumping off his penis to the fender (Ah, so that's what fender pads are for, DAH!). As he hit the floor, the old fellow in the tool room looked out with great amusement and said, "Well, you just learned a valuable lesson that will be useful in your old age. You can't jump start your pecker!"

[Romulus111VADT]

The best female, "open mouth- insert foot" I've seen was in a Sears Department store. I lived in Florida at the time and was visiting a friend that ran the sporting goods section of the store. As we talked an extremely cute little blonde came bebopping up wearing a t-shirt that was covering her bikini. My friend excused himself to wait on her. I was close enough to easily over hear the conversation. She said that she'd come in to buy her boy friend a jock. My friend asked what size he was. The girl w/o flinching says, "Oh, I guess he's about 8" or so". My friend exerted super human control as he looked at her and said, "No, ma'am, what's his waist size?" I was biting my lip and trying not to further embarrass the poor girl. Her red face was quite striking with the blonde hair and white t-shirt. After she made her purchase and bolted out of the store at mach speeds. My friend was literally laying on the floor behind the counter, laughing hysterically. I was supporting my self on the sales counter laughing my butt off.

[terbert]

I am a decorator by trade and I remember a couple of years ago doing an estimate where the little old lady told me what she really wanted was a nice dildo. What she meant was a Dado rail round the lounge.!!!!  ;D

Oh yeah, and tonight the wife told me she would like one of those George Formby grilles  ;D
" I'm leaning on a lamp-post at the corner of the street until a lovely little Burger goes by"  ;D
UK readers will see the joke, sorry others

Tony

[Woodlouse2002]

[quote]

Oh yeah, and tonight the wife told me she would like one of those George Formby grilles

[Hagar]

[quote]the little old lady told me what she really wanted was a nice dildo. What she meant was a Dado rail round the lounge.!!!!

[Romulus111VADT]

There's a name for this. It escapes me now. One of the old music hall comics made a career out of it. Her name escapes me too but Fozzer might remember. It's late & I'm tired.

Another girl in the sales office at work was the protoype dumb blonde. Stunningly beautiful but nothing between the ears. Thick as the proverbial two short planks. We used to call her Dotty Dulcie. One day a customer quite innocently enquired about a Janitrol heater. Dotty told him to hold on & asked in a loud voice: "Do we sell genital heaters?" I don't think she ever figured out why everyone in the office fell off their chairs in hysterics.

On another occasion our Dotty blushed red as a beetroot & abruptly told a customer she thought he had the wrong number before slamming the phone down. It turned out that he had asked for a vibrator. This was the ignition unit used on the aforesaid Janitrol heaters. Good job the customer had a sense of humour. LOL

That reminds me of when I was an industrial purchasing agent. We used allot of hydraulic cylinders and when ordering them you order by the length of the rod and the stoke of the rod. I was on the phone talking to the manufacturer's sales department. It was rather difficult to order these parts from a woman. This one woman misunderstood what I'd said and I said, "The rod I have has a 12 inch stroke." She responded, "Well, darling, if it does, I want to meet you!" This was one of the few times in my life that I was embarrassed by something I said.

[terbert]

Doug, do you mean a name for someone who gets things back to front kind of thing.
My wife is a classic. We had a dinner party last Saturday and she told our friends she is always bending over forwards for me. I tell you, I did not know what to say. She says it so flippin inocently. I have to admit that when we go out I shrink when she starts gabbling on

[Hagar]

Doug, do you mean a name for someone who gets things back to front kind of thing.
My wife is a classic. We had a dinner party last Saturday and she told our friends she is always bending over forwards for me. I tell you, I did not know what to say. She says it so flippin inocently. I have to admit that when we go out I shrink when she starts gabbling on

Yes Tony. Just like that.

I remembered the name I was trying to think of. They call them Spoonerisms. My dear departed mother-in-law (bless her heart) was an expert Spoonerist.

[terbert]

Yes Doug, thats it...Spoonerisms.

Don't you just love it though when someone picks up your cockup and carries on with it in the same manner.

Er...that doesn't sound quite right, but you know what I mean...its the bottle of Shiraz I am sampling

Tony

[Woodlouse2002]

Yes Tony. Just like that.

I remembered the name I was trying to think of. They call them Spoonerisms. My dear departed mother-in-law (bless her heart) was an expert Spoonerist.

I thought they were malapropisms. Either way, they're usually funny. I found a book of them once and one of the best lines in it was "the high point in Eugine Levys career was when he won the Pullet Surprise." (Pulitzer prize.)

[Hagar]

I thought they were malapropisms. Either way, they're usually funny. I found a book of them once and one of the best lines in it was "the high point in Eugine Levys career was when he won the Pullet Surprise." (Pulitzer prize.)

You could be right there Woody. It's way past my bedtime. I'll look all this up tomorrow.

Silly me. It's tomorrow now. Well, I know what I mean.

[Woodlouse2002]

Who knows. But i've thought of another one from the book...

"The equator is a menagerie lion running round the earth."