The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation
1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
2. Me? I've never busted minimums.
3. We will be on time, maybe even early.
4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
5. I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other
reasons.
7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
8. I'm a member of the mile high club.
9. I only need glasses for reading.
10. I broke out right at minimums.
11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours
in a Lear.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the book.
18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. We'll be home by lunchtime.
25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.
27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
29. I thought YOU took care of that.
30. I've got the field in sight.
31. I've got the traffic in sight.
32. Of course I know where we are.
33. I'm SURE the gear was down.
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix the Flight Attendant
came on with: "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats
until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt up against the gate. And once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door
and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the
next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies
in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US
Airways."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I
scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant
brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the
back of mine!"
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your
seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.
It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming,
grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small
child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now
which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees
with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before
we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago
to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words.
Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After
some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've
looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a
Hippopotamus anywhere."
The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where
it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally
offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
"A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one
of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to
Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago
on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport
about a plane to Chicago.
"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and
arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."
"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"
"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that
thing take off."
Thanks for looking 8) ;D
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