Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're tailing an 18-wheeler. Stop at any gas station that serves food. When the waitress asks what you'd like, order an upset stomach, because that's probably what you'll get anyway.
Visit your local butcher and pay $22 to sit in this walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterward, burn two $50 bills to warm up. It's not real skiing, but it's close.
Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button, and let the spray sandblast your face. You'll almost believe you're skiing in front of a snow-making gun.
Sit under a sun lamp wearing goggles to get that chic raccoon look.
Wear ski boots everywhere - even in the shower. For the best effect, get the boots that look like two dead afghan hounds strapped to your calves.
At the nearest hockey rink, walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, loaded accessory bag and poles. Make believe you're looking for your car.
For ski-boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw on away. This will save you from losing it later.
Go to McDonalds and insist on paying $7.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
Speaking of lines, stand in any movie line on the coldest day of the year. Inch ahead with the croud but don't go in. Do this 12 to 18 times.
To simulate losing a ski in deep powder, spend lots of money to fly to a Caribbean resort. When you arrive, toss a krugerrand onto the beach. Then try to find it.
Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
To simulate glade skiing, take a jog through the woods - with your eyes closed
