Anyways, they are very funny and you won't waste time reading all of them because they are all worth it !!!
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported :
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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane..."
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After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for
a ride."
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
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From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest
FlightXXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull
it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more."
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"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
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"Last one off the plane must clean it."
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell
you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the
Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
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This is what a pilot learns in ground school:
Flying is hours of boredom, punctuated by moments of stark terror.
Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills.
Rule one: No matter what else happens, fly the airplane.
The propellor is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
No one has ever collided with the sky.
If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.
Never let an airplane take you somewhere you brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller.
Every one already knows the definition of a good landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a great landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphault.
Airspeed, altitude, or brains; you always need at least two.
There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
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Continued . . .
They were great.