If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist and humorist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
6 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
7 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
8 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
9 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
10 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
11 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
12 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
13 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
14 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
15 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
16 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into by jet engines.
17 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
18 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
19 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
20 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
21 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
22 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
23 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
24 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
25 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
26 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
27 - If at first you don't succeed; skydiving is not for you.
28 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?