Some jems by Steven Wright

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Some jems by Steven Wright

Postby Tug002 » Tue Jun 16, 2020 4:01 pm

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist and humorist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

6 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

7 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

8 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

9 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

10 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

11 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

12 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

13 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

14 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

15 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

16 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into by jet engines.

17 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

18 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

19 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

20 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

21 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

22 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

23 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

24 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

25 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

26 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

27 - If at first you don't succeed; skydiving is not for you.

28 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Keep smiling
Tug :)
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Re: Some jems by Steven Wright

Postby Shadowcaster » Tue Jun 16, 2020 11:35 pm

Brilliant :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

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Re: Some jems by Steven Wright

Postby napamule » Wed Jun 17, 2020 4:14 am

Ooooo nice set. Every one a jewel. BUT... you left out one:
"They told me to cheer up - things could be worse. So I cheered up - and sure enough, things got worse!"
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Re: Some jems by Steven Wright

Postby yancovitch » Wed Jun 17, 2020 3:26 pm

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Re: Some jems by Steven Wright

Postby Hawkeye07 » Thu Jun 18, 2020 9:22 pm

Outstanding!! :D :D :D

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If it moves and it's not supposed to - use the Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and it's supposed to - use the WD40.

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