Words to live by

What are you laughing at?

Words to live by

Postby Tug002 » Thu Dec 12, 2019 9:44 am

Words to live by:

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.” Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”

Cop: “Please step out of the car.” Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Keep smiling
Tug :)
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Re: Words to live by

Postby yancovitch » Thu Dec 12, 2019 1:26 pm

wonderful..............actually there is a lot of food for thought there.....introspective humor :D
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Re: Words to live by

Postby H » Sun Dec 15, 2019 2:03 pm

To update you on my current condition, the flesh end and toenail came off my right big toe and the Tilton VA Outpatient Clinic sent me to the Concord Hospital. It took four days of intervenous meds to get me into condition for their orthopdic specialist (originally a Navy surgeon) to do a debris procedure and another four, with continued meds, to decide whether or not to forego an amputation (it hasn't been amputated but we're on a long venture to recovery).
Some of your entries have a different result with me:

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
---You've perplexed me, I'm still trying to remember.
I run like the winded.
---I can't even walk like the winded.
It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
---More like a big snail glued to the top of a little pogo stick.
Not in your list:

---If you tell me, "I see you're still kickin', "
---I answer, "Oh no — that's what got me in trouble to begin with!"

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Re: Words to live by

Postby darrenvox » Sun Dec 15, 2019 11:41 pm

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