Still here, still alive...barely.

[Staiduk]

Hello all. Been away for a long time; some years now. Was never a very good or very active member; I doubt anyone remembers me but I enjoyed my time here, limited as my participation was.

I am going through a very rough time right now. I quit drinking cold-turkey on Sunday and that's a real trial for an alcoholic. No lie - I was up to a 26-pounder a day; 40-pounders on weekends. I stopped getting drunk 2 years ago; now I just get sick. I don't drink to get drunk any more; I drink to stop the terrors. I stopped that on Sunday and I'm in full withdrawal. I've got the shakes, the sweats, the DT's, the hurls, the creeping horrors, the invisible spiders, everything, but I'm on top of it - gonna get through this if it kills me. Never gonna drink again.

For those that don't know me I was once a gliding instructor and towplane pilot of the Royal Canadian Air Cadets for about 20 years. I have 965 real-life hours with experience in gliders and sailplanes, light aircraft and piston helicopters. That's the extent of my aviation knowledge; I was headed for a bush-flying career before alcohol and inbuilt idiocy stole it from me.

Well, I'm five days into my final battle with the bottle and so far I'm winning. 'Final' is exactly the right term. If I win this battle I'll be alcohol-free and can live the last three or four decades of my life in peace. If I lose; I lose the last chance I have to escape addiction. I'm a strong man, but not that strong. I can't win against an enemy that's already beaten me. I'm on the cliff's edge here - there are only 2 options left to me: win or lose. Live or die. I'm going to win. Mickey's got a lot of tricks but I'm onto him and he's got nothing I can't deal with. I'm a jerk - Even after being invited to return to Simviation by one of the Moderators I didn't; I was busy with my other forum - one dedicated to science and technology. But THAT forum has decided that me saying that I'm beating the bottle is too 'adult' and has banned my posting. I go out of my way to follow forum rules; they feel that alcohol is in their words 'risque'. I've never been banned since the Internet was created; I've always followed the rules. Now the one time I really need to tell my story I'm cut off - ostracized.

I need someone to talk to. I remember Fozzer, Pete, Ozzy and Nav. They were my friends long ago. I'm in a bad way, but that's not going to last long; I know I'm going to beat this. I'm going to be the cheerful, humorous poster I was years ago - best guess says I've got a week until the worst of the symptoms subside.

Staiduk's back. Broken, hurting and vulnerable, but back. Looking forward to chatting about new addons and aircraft; ready to answer Flight School questions and be corrected by Brett. Wanting to be part of the community again.

Needing a kind word right now.
Cheers!

P.S. - love the new forum design by the way. Very chic. Hard to follow my typing since it flicks to the top of the page, causing me to have to scroll down to see what I wrote, but still nice to look at. Good job!

[Fozzer]

Now there's a name I remember very well from the distant past!

"Stay-Duck" as I used to refer to you as... ..!

Welcome back to the Fold...Good to hear from you again!

...but sorry to hear of all the bad news!

Its difficult to give any advice, not knowing all the circumcisions* circumstances that surround you... ...!

You need a strong will..like me...(My strong mate Will helps me with mine)... ...!

Laughter and happiness is the best cure for depressing ailments...

...anything we can do to help...

Cheers Mate... ...!

Paul... ....!

* brings tears to the eyes!... ...!

[Bass]

"Stay-Duck". You got freinds in here....
Use 'em

[Staiduk]

Thanks. Feeling much better this morning; tea and beef broth are powerful medicine. Keeps the nausea attacks to a minimum; my body is rejecting food completely, the broth helps greatly. Still feel really bad but its tolerable. Surprised I still have enough of a sense of humour to chuckle a bit here. I'll keep you posted.

[Steve M]

I do remember you, although I doubt we interacted much. Hey, Listen.. Stick to your guns and stay sober. The desire won't leave any time soon, but the pain will. I completely understand how hard of a battle you are facing and I wish you the best.

[Staiduk]

thanks

in a hard patch, the horrors are ganging up on me but not gonna beat me
lots of pain losing lots of water weight from sweats drinking water lots to compensate

very angry, feel unresonable rage and anger want to lash out. Think im at the worst part of withdrawl. At least not hurling much, stocked up on raw spinach, mr Noodles and beef boullion I think the liquid diet is working letting nutrients in to my systwm but its bad enough.

Just give me time ok? think Im on the backside of the worst, kinda sliding in and out of lucidity. Feel like hell but hanging on. Im a fighter. Gonna fight this enemy. Gonna win. Really appeciate your kind words. Not gonna talk about the terrors. 3 tours in Bosnnia and Croatia gives me lots of material for terrors, really dont want to relive them but been through it all before and Im stronger even than when I was a paratrooper.

Holding on.

[Staiduk]

im dying

dont think this is apropiat fur this bord but im dying. not going to surendr. not going to quit. but not going to live.

cant fight off the terrors. cant sleep. cant win.

not going to quit but mickeys too strong i cant beat him

dont want to die but not goiunt to drink again. ever. if mickey kills me then i did all i could

if these are mi last words let them say id di d all i could.

Please God let me die this is not worth it.
if i can give any message dont get drunk dont bcome a slave to the bottle nothings worth it. you dont no what pain is until you fight the bottle.
not going to quit

[Staiduk]

Ok sorry for last post.

Fevers broken think the worst is past. Still very weak but hungry I thibk thats a good sign. Don't really know never been here before I never could get through the terrors before.

Still feel very bad but it feels different. Might relapse but I think I won't now

Going back to bed now, think I could use some normal sleep Ill keep you posted.

[Staiduk]

Hi all. Look, I'm sorry for the posts of the past couple of days; it's over now. Looks like I've won. I'm back on solid food; think I'll be able to risk a Hudson's burger tonight.
I'm well aware that what I just went through were just the physical withdrawal. I still have the actual addiction to deal with.
On the plus side; the withdrawal was pretty awful, I have no wish to go through that again.

So Im sure no-one wants to read it any more than I want to write it so Ill close the matter here but if I can preach one little bit let me just say that it's impossible to tell if you're susceptible to withdrawal effects prior to having them. Some get 'em, some don't. IMO; it's not worth it finding out.

6 days alcohol free.
Cheers! (And I mean it this time. )

[Zaphod]

Hi Staiduk.
I don't know you, but I really admire your honesty in shareing your pain with us. I'm glad to hear you're feeling better and wish you well for the future.
Live long and prosper my friend.
Zaphod.

[Bud Greene]

Howdy Staiduk! You've got cajones, man! It is no easy feat to put yourself through that, but as you surely know the rewards of success are worth the pain. I don't know you, but judging from what I've just read I think you have the will to do it. Hang in there! Your SimV buds have your back!

[Staiduk]

Yeah well, thanks; but the point of posting was strictly selfish. I've generally got the self-control of Keith Richards when it comes to alcohol. It's probably a good thing I never tried drugs (aside from one joint when I turned 40. Hated it, BTW - spent two hours going where the hell did my legs go?!!! ) or Id've been hooked on them too. I was just embarrassed to give up when I knew others were watching; hence the posts. Besides, dragging myself to my desk and going through the motions of posting helped to maintain discipline, I think.
Dunno where that real bad post came from; can't remember writing it. Sure remember how I felt there though; really did think I was dying. I'd thought I was taking care to maintain the Queen's English during the earlier posts...apparently not.

[CHUCK79]

Keep up the good fight my friend

[Bass]

.....and do some flying to get your thoughts elsewhere

[Staiduk]

.....and do some flying to get your thoughts elsewhere

Actually I am thinking of renting a 172 and flying up the VFR route from Edmonton to Jasper/Entrance on Saturday. I fly the route all the time in MFS and early Spring is utterly glorious in the Rocky Mountains. I might do it - - or I might stay home cooking instead - I'm in a crock-pot sort of mood.
Ahh - days off are nice, aren't they?

Edit: Ooh, hey - new smilies! Let's try this one:


Kewl.