NEWS FLASH!!!

[eno]

Breaking news : 26th November 2004 : 16.30hrs G.M.T. Santa in early retirement Shocker!!! "He's getting a bit to big for his uniform, never mind his boots." says Rudolf.

This news has just reached us....

Santa has retired.. This shock news has just reached us in the SimV newsroom.
Rudolf spilled the beans whilst  taking delivery of his new MD87.
The aircraft in the colours of the North Pole's newest venture, "Ho Ho Ho Airways", was handed over to a jubilant Rudolf, at a ceremony in the U.K. earlier today.
When pressed as to why the North Pole needed an airline, as, after all airline travel is said to be partly responsible for the holes in the Ozone layer, Rudolf blurted "Santa has been given early retirement!!!"  A shocked press pack then attempted to get more information from the Reindeer as he climbed the steps into his aircraft.
After a 10 minute wait  a news conference was hastily arranged onboard.

Santa on Diet.
"Santa is getting a bit too big for his uniform, never mind his boots. Mrs Clause has put him on a diet and is making sure that he gets plenty of excercise." Rudolf elaborated.
Rudolf's press secretary then let slip that the rest of the reindeer were also for the chop, as they were getting too old to pull the sleigh, "Airline fuel is cheaper than the fairy dust  which helps them fly."

Aircraft to replace Sleigh.
The reason behind the airline venture was to replace the sleigh. "Its more economical and easier to maintain than fussy overweight deer." sneered a very muscular Rudolf. Several reporters tried to assertain what would happen to Donner ,Blitzen and the others but all questions were rebuffed by an increasingly irritated Rudolf.
We where ushered off the plane and it was frantically prepared for takeoff.

Speculation.
Speculation has begun to spread about the fate of the retired reindeer. Reports of the smell of Venison Pie have been filtering down from Northern Lapland.
More speculation surrounds Rudolf  and wether he has performed a hostile take over of the lucrative toy making buisness.

More news when we have it









Repaint of the SGA MD87.

enjoy
eno

[ATI_7500]

L-o-L!

[jordonj]

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.

YeR FReND,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!

Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!

Love,
Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.

Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son!

Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.

Love,
Michelle

Dear Michelle,
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."

Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?

Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.

Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.

Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?

Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!

Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...

Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,
That whiny begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love,
Marky

Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!

Santa

[jordonj]

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18 ) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, & Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. This is due to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits/second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has .001 second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles/household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles; not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding & etc. So Santa's sleigh must be moving at 650 miles/second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles/second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles/hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 lb.), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 lb. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see #1) could pull 10 TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with 8, or even 9 reindeer. We need 214,200. This increases the payload - not counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. This is four times the weight of the ocean-liner Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles/second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat up the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within .00426 of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the 5th house on his trip.

This is irrelevant since Santa will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-lb Santa (seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 lb. of force, instantly crushing his bones and inner organs, and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink ooze...

If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

[eno]

Jordan .............. I would suggest Decaf  ;)

[Hagar]

Nice repaint Eno.

Nice story too although I don't believe a word of it - or any of Jordanj's comments. As Santa & his reindeer are magic, normal rules of physics (or anything else for that matter) do not apply. So there......!

[GunnerMan]

Laughing so hard im falling out of  my chair!  :D

[ATI_7500]

Interesting and very funny posts from you,Jordon.  :D

[JBaymore]

JordanJ,

ROTFLMAO.

Great discussion of the subject.  Did you write that?

best,

...............john

[Jared]

aw man! Santa doesn't exist???

[lemoncat]

,,,,,,,,,,lol

[Gunny04]

No Santa!? well No graphics card for me this year! LOL

[logjam]

Aww that's just a load of Reindeer sh**

[Jared]

Aww that's just a load of Reindeer sh**

lol, I sure hope so! :-)

[GunnerMan]

No Santa!? well No graphics card for me this year!

Lol that post cracked me up Gunny, good one!