Simviation Forums

The pilot of a small freight/mail plane was getting a little complacent in his radio phraseology, probably because of the rather dull routine of his late-night run. Every weekday at about 2:00 a.m. he would stop at a small airport and check in with, "Jones Field, good morning. Guess who?"
The lone controller was bored too, but insisted on proper terminology and would lecture the pilot on proper radio technique every morning. The lessons fell on deaf ears and the pilot continued his daily "Guess who?" callups. That is, until the morning the radio crackled, "Guess who?" once too often.
The controller, well prepared, turned off all the lights on the airport and responded, "Jones Field, guess where!" The freight pilot's radio procedures were impeccable from then on.

here's an other one:
On one particular flight the pilot had hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"
"Did we land or were we shot down?"

an other one:
Squawk sheets are maintenance forms filed by the flight crews to
inform the maintenance crews of problems with the aircraft.

Problem: "Knocking/tapping sound coming from under the cargo
compartment floor sounds like a little man with a hammer"
Mechanic's reply: "Found little man, took away hammer."

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.

Problem: Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

again:
Two airline mechanics were working on a 747 when lunchtime came. Rather than leave what they were doing, they just took their lunchbreak while sitting in the cockpit. While they were eating lunch, one mechanic bet the other that the landing gear would not retract if he pulled the gear lever up.

He lost the bet.