Deep Thoughts....NOT!
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth- that most of go to Hell and burn eternally- but I didn't want to upset him
When I go to heaven, I want to see my Grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and that old man smell.
I over heard the voice of God. It said:"Vrrrrmmmmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.
I don't know about you but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
I believe you should live each day as your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants do to laundry on the last day of their lives.
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3rd or Dec. 26th, just for the long weekends.
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, put aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
Home is where the house is.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
It would be a terrible thing if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a big bag of money.
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found out that the moon is really a big, hard rock. That's what happens when you leave cheese out.
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with.
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe: " Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when in fact, I was speeding?"
Once, I wept for a man that had no shoes. Then I came upon a man that had no feet. SO I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he is a lousy singer.
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
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