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Ralph Shoemaker

Believes himself to be the younger brother of Micky Shoemaker, but is in actual fact the Micky's talentless clone. Frequently manages to spin in Pit Lane and often stops well short of the team mechanics, prompting a mad dash most of the way down pit lane; the team's unofficial slogan is "Alright boys, when Ralph arrives, I want you to take for steps to the left!". Insists that his Christian name rhymes with 'chaffe', and that he is not Christian.

Ferdinand Alonzzzo

A bleary-eyed Spaniard who usually looks as though he's both hungover and emo. In actual fact, he's probably just woken up, as evidenced by his perennial bed hair. Questions were raised when it was noted that he rarely pitted, as he tends to fall asleep when stationary for more than a few seconds. However, his bland driving is reminiscent of somebody being asleep, so the validity of this claim is questionable. He is the butt of many jokes from commentators owing to his over-use of "nancy-boy hair gel" that makes him look like a "magnificent poof".

David Coulfard

Coulfard, who insists his name is pronounced "Cult Tard" has been brought into the Jordan team for the 2006 season as a father figure for Zipper. The Scotsman has yet to win a championship due to the slowing effect his rather unaerodynamic chin has on his lap-times.

Recently, Coulfard has been banned from all Formula One events because of his abnormally large chin because of it can also act as an aerodynamic device

...the first "porn star" was Tacitus...