Ireland Declares War on France! (and other jokes)
Posted: Tue Aug 01, 2006 9:09 amIreland Declares War on France
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at
the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we
are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,
me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team
from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the
cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had
to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of
heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and
decided there is no feckin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
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Painless Birth
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very
much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10%
for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than
the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still
feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and
was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to
try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously
helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the
doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a
healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were
ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde takes her car to the shop because it's running rough. The guy looks under the hood, does something real quick and closes the hood. The car runs just fine. The girl asks what the problem was. The guy says, "Crap in the carburetor."
The girl asks, "How often should I be doing that?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman and a pastor get together to play a round of golf.
All is going well until they near the first hole. The Irishman putts and misses the hole. "D*mn, I missed" he mutters under his breath. The pastor hears this and gets on the Irish-man's case about not using foul language.
They get to the next hole and the same thing happens. The Irishman putts, misses, and says "D*mn, I missed." The pastor tells the Irishman that God will punish him if he continues using such language.
They get to the third hole. The Irishman putts and misses again. He says "D*mn, I missed" under his breath. The pastor hears, opens his mouth, and... CRACK! A bolt of lightning strikes the pastor.
The shaken Irishman looks around and hears off in the distance, a voice like thunder say "D*mn, I missed!"
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at
the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we
are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,
me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team
from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the
cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had
to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of
heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and
decided there is no feckin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Painless Birth
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very
much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10%
for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than
the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still
feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and
was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to
try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously
helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the
doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a
healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were
ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde takes her car to the shop because it's running rough. The guy looks under the hood, does something real quick and closes the hood. The car runs just fine. The girl asks what the problem was. The guy says, "Crap in the carburetor."
The girl asks, "How often should I be doing that?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman and a pastor get together to play a round of golf.
All is going well until they near the first hole. The Irishman putts and misses the hole. "D*mn, I missed" he mutters under his breath. The pastor hears this and gets on the Irish-man's case about not using foul language.
They get to the next hole and the same thing happens. The Irishman putts, misses, and says "D*mn, I missed." The pastor tells the Irishman that God will punish him if he continues using such language.
They get to the third hole. The Irishman putts and misses again. He says "D*mn, I missed" under his breath. The pastor hears, opens his mouth, and... CRACK! A bolt of lightning strikes the pastor.
The shaken Irishman looks around and hears off in the distance, a voice like thunder say "D*mn, I missed!"
