NOTIFICATION OF COMPULSORY ENLISTMENT
>
> Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act
> (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place
> yourself on
> standby for possible compulsory military service in the American
> Conflict.
> You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you
> will
> join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts
> or the
> 2nd Foot and Mouth. The regulars are too busy driving Green
> Goddesses to be
> there themselves. Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the
> refusal of
> P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of the deplorable state
> in
> which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be
> necessary for you to make your own way to the combat zone. H.M.
> Government
> have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with
> Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this
> offer
> (RyanAir will also do a nice little trip).
> Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it
> will be
> necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment
> as
> soon as possible:
> * Combat Jacket
> * Trousers (preferably khaki - but please no denim)
> * Tin helmet
> * Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
> * Gas mask
> * Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey 1:2800 Outdoor
> Leisure Map
> of Iraq will do)
> * Rifle
> * Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
> * Suntan oil
>
> If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a
> tank
> (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new
> conscripts a 0%
> finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer
> is
> only available whilst stocks last). We would like to reassure you
> that in
> the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free
> burial
> in the graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will be
> entitled to
> the new War Widows pension of
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