Top Ten Things You Won't Hear From Any Principal Research Scientist
by H. Kent Craig
1. What's next on the schedule?...my team's going to be through with their current project at the end of this week, a full sixty days ahead of the target date.
2. What's the procedure for ploughing back allocated project funds to accounting? We don't need to spend the last 18.7% of our budget.
3. No, I don't think I'll go on that manufacturer-sponsored three-day aahhheemmm..."seminar" at Hilton Head.
4. I'm sorry, Mr. Jones VP Of Finance, your idea for my team to spend half a million dollars of our company's money researching the sex life of South America poisonarrow frog dermal parasites is just plain stupid.
5. What a night! I came in at 11 p.m. last night and worked until dawn to fix that out-of-phase HPLC, just so I wouldn't have to bother Lab Maintenance.
6. We really don't need those two benchtech positions filled, we're more than overstaffed as it is.
7. Oh, it's okay, it was just a slip of the tongue, I really don't mind being called a "whitecoat" behind my back.
8. Sorry, Mr. Smith VP Of Marketing, no, I didn't apply for that $3,000,000.00+ Federal Grant for our team to study the effects of sudden massive total oxygen deprivation on homo sapiens subjects, because any dumbass knows that no 02 equals death.
9. Sure, my team and I'll work for 48 hours straight without food or sleep due-diligencing those last GLPs for our ISO Certification, if that's what it'll take to make the boss happy.
10. I just love my career so much, I don't think I'll ever retire!
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Useful Research Phrases and what they Really Mean
"It has long been known" . . .
[I didn't look up the original reference.]
"A definite trend is evident" . . .
[These data are practically meaningless.]
"Of great theoretical and practical importance" . . .
[Interesting to me.]
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions" . . .
[An unsuccessful experiment but I still have to get it published.]
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" . . .
[The results of the others didn't make any sense.]
"Typical results are shown" . . .
[The best results are shown.]
"These results will be shown in a subsequent report" . . .
[I might get around to this sometime if I'm pushed.]
"The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones" . . .
[He was my graduate assistant.]
"It is believed that" . . .
[I think]
"It is generally believed that" . . .
[A couple of other guys think so, too.]
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding occurs" . . [I don't understand it.]
"Correct within an order of magnitude" . . .
[Wrong]
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigations in this field" . . .
[This is a lousy paper, but so are all the others on this miserable topic.]
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to George Frink for valuable assistance" . . .
[Blotz did the work and Frink explained to me what it meant.]
"A careful analysis of obtainable data" . . .
[Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.]
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