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You're a Lawyer?: Excerpts from "Disorder in the American Courts"
Actual excerpts from the records of court stenographers:
*Pardon my additional comments

Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?
*Screaming.
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Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?
*Well, I assumed... evidently, they may have been a gender I wasn't aware of.
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Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?
*
If I answer this, will you put me back in my casket now or
after you tell me were my spouse is still alive and kicking?
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Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or a female?
*Take your choice: yes or no.
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Lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
*Why...you don't know how?
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Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Lawyer: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
*That taking the witness stand could mean being questioned by someone who wasted years and money in law school.
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Lawyer: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
*Approximately 20 years older than when he was born. How about you?
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Lawyer: Were you present when your picture was taken?
*Sure, I was screaming in protest. I just couldn't save face.

lol