Level One
Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and stand around the piano singing carols.
Level Two
Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas ornaments and sitting on the piano singing "I Gotta Be Me."
Level Three
Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and dancing around the piano shouting the words to "I Can't Get No Satisfaction".
Level Four
Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano is missing. Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don't want your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success, however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive, your job as host is to see that they don't arrest anyone. If they are intent on arresting someone, your job is to see that it isn't you. Following is an example of how to successfully handle this situation.
Police: "We've come in response to the complaints."
You: "Complaints? It isn't about the drugs, is it?"
Police: "No, sir, not drugs."
You: "The guns, then? They're complaining about the guns?"
Police: "No, sir. It's about the noise."
You: "Oh, that's all right then. 'Cause there sure aren't any guns or drugs here, heh heh."
[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]
You: "Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?"
Police: "No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent complaints have come from Kansas."
[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols, roars out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out, moaning.]
You: "There, you see? It's winding down already."
Never had the police show up at parties I've been to. Did have the fire department show up at the last one though...Bonfire was about the size of a small house...Apparently the neighbors thought it WAS the house
....I'm lucky if they hit level one.... 
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