Police Jokes
Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2004 2:33 pmJust some jokes I got in my email a few days ago. Some of them you've seen, some, you might not have.
After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"
The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."
The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."
The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"
"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."
"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
A state trooper pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. "Sir, is there a reason you're weaving all over the road?"
The driver replies, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rearview mirror, the officer says, "Sir, that's your air freshener."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky.
An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.
"How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.
"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"
Some News Headlines:
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Drunk gets nine months in violin case
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
Judge To Rule On Nude Beach
Police Discover Crack In Australia
Two Convicts Evade Noose; Jury Hung
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago.
When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car.
The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.
So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken.
So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.
The driver looks at the trooper and says, "No thanks, I just bought some."
The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said,
After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"
The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."
The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."
The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"
"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."
"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
A state trooper pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. "Sir, is there a reason you're weaving all over the road?"
The driver replies, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rearview mirror, the officer says, "Sir, that's your air freshener."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky.
An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.
"How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.
"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"
Some News Headlines:
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Drunk gets nine months in violin case
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant
Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
Judge To Rule On Nude Beach
Police Discover Crack In Australia
Two Convicts Evade Noose; Jury Hung
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago.
When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car.
The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.
So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken.
So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.
The driver looks at the trooper and says, "No thanks, I just bought some."
The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said,
