Ode To A Glaesga Ned
You giro blagging little f******
Known to us as neds or muckers.
Think all that "gold" makes you look rich?
Well think again you rank wee b!tch.
Your ugly mugs and sharpened features
Remind me of some mutant creatures
From a distant far off land,
Us decent folk can't understand
Your need to wear your hat like that
You simple minded little t***.
So twiglette limbed and high of voice,
You leave us with such little choice
It seems to me our only plan's
To infiltrate your vulgar clans.
We'll raid the Barras in our flocks
And confiscate those white sports socks!
'Cause as we know, no self made ned
Would let himself be captured dead
Without the trademark tucked in trackies
While shouting abuse at snobs and packies
So if you want retaliation
and want to help to rid this nation,
Of filthy muckers, neds and bams
Then join with me and have no qualms.
We'll walk in safety after dark
Through Maryhill and Kinning Park.
To all of you I give my thanks
Lets terminate these little w***s!
A true work of poetic genius if you ask me and as for this....
The Ten Commandments Of The Female Ned
1. Four pairs of scrunchie socks must be worn under joggies rolled up to masquerade as cropped trousers.
2. Hair must be so tightly scraped back from the face that one cannot blink.(one also must slather the hair in various flammable hair products for that solid look)
3. A plethora of neon bobbles must adorn the hair tied into a large bun at the base of the neck. 7 or more is standard. coloured hair mascara in a co-ordinating shade to the tick on your trainers can be used on special occasions, like the birth of your pal's child.
4. You must chew gum like a cow posessed by a goat.
5. You must yell like a harpy at every man that walks by, and growl like the hound that you are at every respectable female in the vicinity - either way, make a public nuisance of yourself.
6. You must carry a small child at all times, preferably your own.
7. You must wear more gold around your neck than a mister T convention. if it damages your posture, all the better. neds have crooked spines, that is the way of the ned.
8. You must brag about the number of sexual acts you have performed on the climbing frame in the local park. if it is less than ten per friday night, you must take action to boost your slapper status.
9. You must shoplift from topshop.
10. You must drink cheap cider and watermelon breezers. on the special occasions cited above, you may splash out on a quarter bottle of vodka.
Commandments to be emblazoned in inch thick gold lettering to be suspended from the neck of a baseball capped white socked track suited smartarsed little f***.
:8 I think I've edited all the obsenities and I apolagise in advance to anyone who may be ofended, still I thought it was funny as hell
