Instructions on Packages
Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2003 9:42 pmON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESSERT
Do not turn upside down.
(Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
Do not Iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
ON NYTOL (A SLEEPING AID)
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
Warning: keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON THE INSTRUCTIONAL MANUAL FOR A CANON CAMERA (circa 1966)
"Do not rattle playfully at the shutter button."
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:
"Do not use on food."
(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's okay, honey -- just grab the Palmolive!)
On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent:
"Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine."
(Hey, no more swimming in the washing machine, kids.)
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how...?)
ON A FROZEN DINNER AT HOME
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion.)
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX
Fits one head.
ON A PACKET OF SUN-MAID RAISINS
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
ON A HAIRDRYER
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
ON A BAG OF FRITOS
You could be a winner!
No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(Evidently, the shoplifter special.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)
Do not turn upside down.
(Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
Do not Iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
ON NYTOL (A SLEEPING AID)
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
Warning: keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON THE INSTRUCTIONAL MANUAL FOR A CANON CAMERA (circa 1966)
"Do not rattle playfully at the shutter button."
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:
"Do not use on food."
(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's okay, honey -- just grab the Palmolive!)
On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent:
"Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine."
(Hey, no more swimming in the washing machine, kids.)
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how...?)
ON A FROZEN DINNER AT HOME
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion.)
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX
Fits one head.
ON A PACKET OF SUN-MAID RAISINS
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
ON A HAIRDRYER
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
ON A BAG OF FRITOS
You could be a winner!
No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(Evidently, the shoplifter special.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)
