Why I Like Retirement!

What are you laughing at?

Why I Like Retirement!

Postby Tug002 » Wed Feb 03, 2021 10:22 am

Why I Like Retirement!




Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday




Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.




Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.





Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.




Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.





Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.



Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.





Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!




Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there




Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.





Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?

Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break.





Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

And, my very favorite....


QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.






Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'.
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?



Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs

and have fun finding them.



I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But, thank goodness, I still have my driver's license.



I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.



It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

Keep smiling
Tug :)
User avatar
Tug002
Captain
Captain
 
Posts: 842
Joined: Wed Apr 16, 2014 7:34 am
Location: Ontario, Canada. CYSH

Re: Why I Like Retirement!

Postby Sinkrate » Thu Feb 04, 2021 4:19 am

Strewth! Most of that applies to me!

What a wake-up! :shock:
User avatar
Sinkrate
1st Lieutenant
1st Lieutenant
 
Posts: 400
Joined: Wed Jul 29, 2015 4:08 am
Location: UK

Re: Why I Like Retirement!

Postby captjim » Sat Feb 06, 2021 3:41 pm

Great Tug. I'am 85 and one of the problems is I know all the answers but, no one will ask me any questions. captjim :violin:
captjim
2nd Lieutenant
2nd Lieutenant
 
Posts: 172
Joined: Fri Oct 15, 2004 2:28 pm

Re: Why I Like Retirement!

Postby Tug002 » Mon Feb 08, 2021 10:42 am

captjim wrote:Great Tug. I'am 85 and one of the problems is I know all the answers but, no one will ask me any questions. captjim :violin:


:lol: I'm 63 and used to know all the answers but have now forgotten them :lol: :lol: :lol:

Keep smiling
Tug :)
User avatar
Tug002
Captain
Captain
 
Posts: 842
Joined: Wed Apr 16, 2014 7:34 am
Location: Ontario, Canada. CYSH

Re: Why I Like Retirement!

Postby Fozzer » Tue Feb 09, 2021 6:09 am

...I'm 86..going on for 87...
...and 1984 was the happiest day of my life when I finally retired to enjoy the rest of my life!

....there's nothing else quite like it...trust me...with a pair of comfy slippers and a pint of beer..!

Paul.... :lol: ... :lol: ...!
Win 8.1 64-bit. DX11. Advent Tower. Intel i7-3770 3.9 GHz 8-core. 8 GB System RAM. AMD Radeon HD 7700 1GB RAM. DVD ROM. 2 Terra Byte SATA Hard Drive. Philips 17" LCD Monitor. Saitek Cyborg X Fly-5 Joystick. ...and a Briggs and Stratton Petrol Lawn Mower.
User avatar
Fozzer
Colonel
Colonel
 
Posts: 27355
Joined: Thu Jan 31, 2002 3:11 pm
Location: Hereford. England. EGBS.

Re: Why I Like Retirement!

Postby Sinkrate » Wed Feb 10, 2021 5:37 am

there's nothing else quite like it...trust me...with a pair of comfy slippers and a pint of beer..!

Paul.... :lol: ... :lol: ...!


+1

Retired at the grand old age of 50!

Old enough to get my pension and young enough to remember my own name! 8-)

Was it worth 34 years of paid slavery? Meh, 50/50 I’d say! :whistle:
User avatar
Sinkrate
1st Lieutenant
1st Lieutenant
 
Posts: 400
Joined: Wed Jul 29, 2015 4:08 am
Location: UK

Re: Why I Like Retirement!

Postby captjim » Thu Feb 11, 2021 3:43 pm

As I recall the best two years of my life was in the fourth grade. :evil: captjim
captjim
2nd Lieutenant
2nd Lieutenant
 
Posts: 172
Joined: Fri Oct 15, 2004 2:28 pm


Return to Humour

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 443 guests