Holiday Information notice!

[Theis]

NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers.

Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.

To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance and therefore must not occur after 11pm and before 7am.

Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment, including Eye Protection, to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the ‘redness’ of any part of Mr. Rudolph Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. Rudolf Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of such an offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered and where necessary, taxes and import duties paid as appropriate. This applies regardless of the individual -even royal personages.

It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services and the Local Authority Safeguarding Board have been advised and will be fully investigating. The RSPA are also seeking reassurance that no donkeys were harmed during this incident.

Compliance of these guidelines is mandatory in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit. Wishing you a very Merry Christmas (but bear in mind this must be under 107 milligrams per 100 millilitres of urine or 35 microgrammes per 100 millilitres of breath if driving – UK, Wales & Northern Ireland).

Regards,
The Christmas Regulatory & Assessment Panel (CRAP)

[Shadowcaster]

Love it

Even Santa must endure Risk Assessment

Name:

Santa Claus, aka Criscringle, Father Christmas, Father Frost, Joulupukki, Kris Kringle, Père Noël, Sabdiklos, Saint Nicolas, Sancte Claus, Sinter Klaas, Weinachtsmann

General job description –

Santa Claus is employed for only two nights a year. His duties are as follows:

Delivering presents from the Elves’ factory in the North Pole to all the good children world-wide
Carrying out work whilst the children are asleep to avoid detection
Delivering presents in a nine-reindeer flying sleigh
Gaining access to premises from the roof via chimney
Payment in the form of tips (generally mince pies and sherry)

Logistics of job –

Previous research has shown that:

Santa visits over 1500 homes per second
The average speed of his sleigh is of the order of 3.6 million miles an hour.
The sleigh carries about 156,000 tonnes of cargo.

Risk assessment and general health and safety requirements

Vehicle –

It is Santa’s responsibility to ensure that the sleigh is of good air worthy condition, carries all necessary documents and complies to all relevant regulations; failure to do so will result in prosecution and a fine, and/or custodial sentence.

As the sleigh passes through International air space all relevant Civil Aviation laws and rules must be adhered to:

Registration and identification marks must be visible
Seatbelts must be fitted and worn during take off and landing
Emergency exits must be clearly marked, and clear of obstructions
As all large bodies of water are to be overflown, life jackets must be carried
Port & Starboard designation lights must be fitted. The glowing red nose of Rudolf is not an acceptable warning light for other air space users
A fire extinguisher and First Aid Kit must be carried
The Reindeers’ harnesses should be loose fitting so as not to cause chafing, be regularly checked for tear and wear, and replaced as necessary.

As the sleigh has an open cockpit Santa must have suitable clothing to protect him from:

Extreme cold of Northern Alaska
Heat of Central Africa & Australia
Decompression of high altitude flight, generally over large bodies of water
Good quality shatter proof eye protection must be worn (insect or reindeer excrement strike at 2000 miles per second could impair vision).
The extreme forces due to acceleration and deceleration. A full climate controlled outfit with integral ‘G’ suit is recommended, available from NASA and other specialist stockists

Landing and taking off –

Landing and take-off permission must be sought from the relevant air traffic authority, as well as permission to enter or leave designated air space.

Before landing Santa must sight the proposed area and check it is clear of obstructions, bearing in mind the sleigh takes up the room of 1500 houses. Large mirrors should be fitted to enable the rear of the sleigh to be viewed during parking. Care must be taken to avoid trees, overhead powerlines and chimneys. Chimneys should not be blocked as these must be clear to gain access to the houses. The landing area should be capable of supporting the 156,000 tonne vehicle. Collapse of any of the target houses would be unacceptable as the children would be woken.

Ingress and egress of vehicle –

As the sleigh is parked on roof tops, most of which are in areas of temperate climates and have pitched roofs, care must be taken and a good quality working boot should be worn giving good ankle support for the sloped surface.

For areas in the Northern half of the Northern hemisphere where the temperature will invariably be below zero, a good non-slip soled shoe (with possible crampon fitment for snowy conditions) should be worn.

High visibility jacket and hard hat should also be worn.

A support harness must be worn. It must be attached via a retardation device to a secure anchor point.

For fragile roofs, Duck crawling boards must be used.

Handling of presents –

Suitable training should be given to enable Santa to lift any heavy presents destined for especially good children. Special care should be taken when stretching to reach presents from the back of the sleigh.

Clambering over the pile of presents should be avoided due to the unstable nature of the footing, this can be achieved by packing the presents in the order required.

All dangerous materials, chemistry sets etc, should be suitably marked, have relevant COSHH sheets attached, and stowed in a flameproof container.

Chimneys –

Care should be taken when entering the chimney. The use of ladders is recommended, and also the safety harness. Due to the dark environment, a lamp should be used (miner’s type would be preferable to enable hands’ free usage).

Respiration equipment and eye protection must be worn due to the dust, soot and smoke.

All clothing should be manufactured from non-flammable materials, and be heat and flame proof as many of the chimneys will have lit fires below. Footwear should have asbestos or similar heat resistant soles.

Care should be taken to keep the high visibility jacket clean. It is recommended that it is washed or changed regularly.

Setting down of presents –

Care should be taken when entering the room. Dogs, security guards and surveillance equipment should be catered for. Attack by dogs can be prevented by the wearing of thick over-garments or even a decoy piece of steak. For surveillance equipment and security guards, Santa’s own sleight of hand will have to suffice.

Caution should be taken around Christmas trees which are normally covered in sharp needles and fragile glass baubles. If Santa’s clothing is wet due to rain or melted snow there is a definite risk of electrocution with the Christmas lights. A rubber mat should be provided to prevent such a problem.

Manual handling training should be given to show the correct way to set down large presents. Trip hazards should be looked out for, e.g. last year’s discarded toys on the floor of children’s bedrooms.

Working hours –

With Santa’s 31 hour working day, regular breaks should be taken, allowing time to eat drink and take care of calls of nature.

Working with animals, the reindeer should also be given regular breaks for the same reasons. They should be allowed to graze frequently and be given time to stretch their legs. Santa should be trained in the flying reindeers’ special needs; little or nothing is known of this and research should be undertaken to discover their anatomical needs.

Safety equipment –

All safety equipment should be checked and/or replaced each year to ensure optimum performance.

In charge of a vehicle under the influence of alcohol –

Due to the means of payment this is especially important. It is recommended that a separate designated driver is employed. Due to the covert nature of these operations, one of Santa’s own elves would be a suitable candidate.

[yancovitch]

all i can say is....i've run out of breath.....amazing.....haha.....................

[Anthindelahunt]

Holy Cow.My head is still swimming !!!

It will take me a week to stop laughing.
Where in hell did you find this stuff ??

Have a great Christmas and a safe one.

Anthin.

[FlexibleFlier]

And remember: helmets are required for all crew and passengers in an open sleigh; roll bars are optional but highly recommended.

[Anthindelahunt]

Anthin.