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I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said, "You're kind of cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yea, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches. . .

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

I went to the pub last night and saw a FAT chick dancing on a table. I said,"Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

..... ... ... ...!

"Guessing the Birthday" sounds like an excellent idea to me!.... ...!

I'll try it out on the Sainsbury's Check-out Ladies...

....just before the ambulance arrives......

Paul.... ... ... ...!

It was shortly after that, that the fight started


Cheers
Rich

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER (from a woman's perspective)

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

'How long will this take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

Mr. Fozzer a wise man, hope this video might help your thinking cap.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9id8Ho8DCSY[/youtube]