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I don't think this was has been posted here before so...

How to Start a Fight

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started...
______________________________
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have Sex?"
"No," she answered I then said,
"Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes"
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
_______________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale

And then the fight started...
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started...

My wife will bitch at me to do something. After that's done, she'll bitch at me to do something else.

My solution was to do nothing.


So she hired a handy man to do the work.

After he was done, she'd say thank you and give him money.

I told her that if she would ever say thank you and give me money I'd fix stuff too.


And that's when the fight started...

Silly me couldn't stop fast enough for a left-turning car, and I ran into it, slightly caving in the bumper.

A midget got outta the car and loudly proclaimed, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So I asked, "Well then, which one are you?"

....and that's how that fight started!

Time to shut up

True story.

One day last week while getting ready for work, I saw a HUGE spider.

Body more than a half inch, legs stretched to more than two inches.

That's huge to me, anyway.


I have to go to work and so I grabbed some bug spray. Zap, Zap, Zap.

And off I go.


When I came home at the end of the day (and finally remembered the spider) I found that the spider was gone.

Except for the spider legs.

I suppose that the spider body was crushed under her feet.

I ain't sayin' nuthin.

Thanks for the good laughs guys. The jokes were great.

Keep smiling
Tug

H wrote:I was in a supermarket yesterday morning when I saw a woman knocking on a watermelon.
My immediate thought was if I'd only learned to throw my voice...
if I could, by this posting, perhaps I shouldn't make the watermelon say, "Yes, who's there?"
...I might be wearing the watermelon.

8)

..... ... ... ...!

The comical things you see other folks doing, and you can find an alternative reason, whilst on your daily travels... ...!

I can always spot comical things like that!

Paul..... ...!