Absolutely terrible puns

[Tug002]

These puns are absolutely terrible but it's tough not to read them all.


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) . A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh

No pun in ten did.

Keep smiling
Tug

[Hawkeye07]

Very punny Tug, very punny.

Hawkeye

[mrplanecrazzy]

I will use some of these (with permission).........I'll let you know the slap to lol ratio...

[Fozzer]

Patient: "Doctor, Doctor...I keep thinking I am a pair of curtains?"....

Doctor: "Pull yourself together, man!".

Paul.... ...!

[Apex]

I'm not sure there's such a thing as a terrible pun. I had a punderful time reading these.

Hey, I'm going out to dinner tonight. I'm going to dine at the sotted lion. I hear they have loaves of bread there so big you need a four loaf cleaver to cut them up.

Well, maybe some are corny, tho.

[Visitor66]

Tug, thank you for the ammunition, because my lucky wife and kids are in for a whole afternoon of what they call,,,,, "Dad jokes".

Cheers, For Danglia.

[Hawkeye07]

After reading all these Absolutely terrible puns I decided I needed to relax so I jumped in the boat and went fishing.

I really didn't care if I caught anything, I just went for the Halibut.

Confucius say: Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

[SG-19]

Doctor, Doctor! I think I'm a bridge. Good grief Man what has come over you. Five cars Two lorries and a Bus.

[jrbirdman]

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

[FlexibleFlier]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners [edited for appropriate content]:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
3. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
4. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are [edited for appropriate content]:
1. Coffee, (n.): The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted,: (adj.): Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, (v.): To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, (v.): To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, (adj.): Impotent.
6. Negligent, (adj.): Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a night gown.
7. Lymph, (v.): To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, (n.): Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, (n.): Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, (n.): A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Frisbeetarianism, (n.): The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

[Tug002]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners [edited for appropriate content]:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
3. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
4. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are [edited for appropriate content]:
1. Coffee, (n.): The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted,: (adj.): Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, (v.): To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, (v.): To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, (adj.): Impotent.
6. Negligent, (adj.): Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a night gown.
7. Lymph, (v.): To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, (n.): Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, (n.): Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, (n.): A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Frisbeetarianism, (n.): The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

They were great Thanks FlexibleFlier

Keep smiling
Tug

[zswobbie1]

My 'Dad' pun is about the guy that drowned in a bowl of muesli..


He got dragged in by a strong current!

[Apex]

Y'know, I haven't gotten a darn thing done around the house since you guys started this pun-ishment.

OK, two can play this game: No need for laughing gas, this stuff will do just fine:

http://www.punoftheday.com/cgi-bin/disp ... b=0&page=1

[FlexibleFlier]

On and on, and on...

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I'll go on a head.”
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, “I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, “I've lost my electron.”
The other says “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I'm positive.”
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

[H]

The Japanese are so money-minded...
they have a real yen for it.