Funny inflight calls

[colsie123]

Northwest flight
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
Unknown
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children decide now which one you love more."
Great new rule
Last one off the plane must clean it."
Unknown
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no, Mam," said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
USairways
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Luthansa
Lufhansa Pilot to co-pilot, forgetting that the frequency was open: "We used to come up the Thames, and turn over here for the docks...."
Voice on frequency: "ACHTUNG SPITFEUR"
Only the Air Force
Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgetting the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area"
USB: "WHOOPEE
Idiot pilot
Northwest 605: "Northwest 605 request taxi to the active MSP."
Ground: "Northwest 605 taxi to runway **, follow the CRJ, you will be number two."
Northwest 605: "Roger, we will follow the Smurf-Jet."
Flagship 5600: "At least my airplane does not qualify for an AARP membership.."

(For those who don't know, AARP is the American Association of Retired Persons, and CRJ stands for Canadair Regional Jet.)
Maintiance funnys
Technical problem or defect reported by pilot or crew. Remedial action or answer reported by maintenance engineer
Something loose in cockpit. Something tightened in cockpit.
Left-inside main tyre (tire) almost needs replacing. Almost replaced left-inside main tyre.
Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs. Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.
Unfamiliar noise coming from No2 engine. Engine run for three hours. Noise now familiar.
Mouse in cockpit. Cat installed.
Target radar hums. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Number three engine missing. [not firing properly presumably] Engine found on starboard [right] wing after brief search.
Pilot's clock inoperative. Wound clock.  
Aircraft handles funny. Aircraft told to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.  Pilot removed from aircraft.
Noise coming from under instrument panel - sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. Took hammer away from midget.
Suspected crack in windshield. Suspect you are right.
IFF inoperative. [IFF = Identification, Friend or Foe.] IFF always inoperative in 'off' mode.
Test flight okay except Auto-Land very rough. Auto-Land is not installed on this aircraft.
No2 ADF needle runs wild. [ADF = Automatic Direction Finder/Finding?] Caught and tamed No2 ADF needle.
Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns. Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!
Dead bugs on windshield. Live bugs on back order.
Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent. Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Evidence removed.
Three roaches in cabin. One roach killed, one wounded, one got away.
DME volume set unbelievably loud. [DME = Distance Measuring Equipment?] DME volume set to more believable level.
No2 propeller seeping prop fluid. No2 propeller seepage normal. Nos 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. That's what they are for.
Idiot and funny pilots
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
There somethign we have allways wanted to say

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach.

[colsie123]

After that I had 1 character remaining congrats if you read all of that its the most you have ever written have a cookie.

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every c**kpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Mictheslik]

Those maintenance ones were posted just a week earlier I seem to remember

I think all of them have been bpb at some point or another, but they're still funny

.mic

[colsie123]

Da,n but yes there allways goign tobe funny they show the true pilot.