from the brain of Keith Alberstadt

[Craig.]

One of my fav comedians.

Chicago Bears fan Jennifer Gordon sold her pregnant belly as advertising space during the Super Bowl. Realizing that Gordon probably earned millions because of the countless views the ad received online, Britney Spears put her cooch on ebay.

The consulting firm Accenture is developing a system called "The Virtual Family Dinner" that would utilize the technology of videophones and computers to unite distant loved ones with the elderly. Experts expect the invention to be a hit, because if it's one combination that's a guaranteed success, it's videophones, computers, and the elderly.

St. Xavier High School in Louisville is offering a forensics class, in which crimes are solved using physical evidence from the scene. Many of the teenage students had to be instructed that all evidence would be provided and they need not bring in tube socks full of DNA.

LeBron James is asking fans to create theme songs for his new Sprite commercial. In a related move, Shaquille O'Neal is asking fans to shoot his free throws.*

Saints coach Sean Payton earned Coach of the Year Honors last week. The celebration party turned ugly, however, when former Cowboys coach Bill Parcells appeared in the French Quarter and tried to earn some beads by flashing his man boobs. *

Former President George H.W. Bush has undergone successful surgery to replace his hip. The procedure is a total reversal of his "no new hips" promise he gave his body in 1988.

Lindsay Lohan is having her appendix removed. Her publicist says Lohan is excited, because she gets to drop a pound or two without gagging herself.

After becoming the first Muslim elected to Congress, Keith Ellison used a Quran once owned by Thomas Jefferson at his swearing-in ceremony. Leading a crowd of supporters was new Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, who wore a lace garter once owned by J. Edgar Hoover.

English soccer star David Beckham signed a $250 million contract with the Los Angeles Galaxy. Some critics have opined that it's a bit much for someone who is past his prime and never lived up to the media frenzy that made him popular. Which is why he'll blend in well in Hollywood.*

A man in Spokane, Washington was charged with exposing himself to a barista at a coffee stand. When asked to identify the culprit, the employee said, "Tall. But it was cold, so maybe normally it's a grande. But definitely not a venti. That's for sure."

Target stores will no longer sell games like Shots and Ladders and Keg Pong because they promote binge drinking. Partiers who enjoy games need not worry, however. Still on the shelves are the marijuana paranoia guessing contest Was That Voice on TV or Real? and the PCP invincibility test entitled Twenty Bucks Says You Won't Punch That Cop.

A website launched by the El Paso Times allows citizens to monitor the Texas/Mexico border on the Internet. The web address is www.for-God's-sake-you-can't-find-anyth ... eally?.com

Notre Dame point guard Kyle McAlarney was suspended after being arrested on marijuana charges. The team originally became suspicious when he kept clamoring on about how cool it was to watch old game tape while listening to Dark Side of the Moon.

Wesley Autrey, the New Yorker who risked his life to save a man on a subway track, was a guest at President Bush's State of the Union address. Bush highlighted Autrey's heroics and humanity, then later asked him to somehow protect his administration from the oncoming freight train of public disapproval.

Several stock car legends grabbed shovels and broke ground in Charlotte for the new NASCAR Hall of Fame. Their efforts created a deep hole reminiscent of the one Jeff Gordon dug for himself among racing fans when he chose to use rainbow colors.*

The Chicago White Sox penned a marketing deal with 7-Eleven and will start all of their home games at 7:11. Across town, Staples Office Supply signed a deal with the Cubs, who hope they can magically help the team by pressing that "Easy" button.

Whirlpool is launching a nationwide search for a new Maytag Man. With the role calling for a guy who just sits around waiting for someone to call with a job, thousands of actors in L.A. are salivating at the natural fit.

Several airports in southern California are adding the letters LA to their names to promote their proximity to Los Angeles. In a similar move, the airport in Newark, NJ is highlighting its closeness to New York by adding the letters FU.

To help defray expenses from their annual Halloween street party, Ohio University will begin charging guests $25 to stay in their dorms. $50 for any douche bags who really think they're vampires.

Pfizer is cutting 10,000 jobs. When he made the announcement to employees, CEO Jeff Kindler was told that he can go pfuck himself.

A frilled shark species that has changed little since prehistoric times made an appearance off the coast of Japan. When it was announced to the media that a "living fossil" was spotted unexpectedly, hundreds of reporters accidentally called Barbara Walters.

Former dictator Manuel Noriega is to be freed in September. No word yet on whether Cuba has contacted him about their upcoming coaching vacancy.