The correct way to give a cat a bath . .

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The correct way to give a cat a bath . .

Postby Deputy » Tue Apr 01, 2003 9:27 pm

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisks it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:


  • Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

  • Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.


  • Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

  • Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.
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Re: The correct way to give a cat a bath . .

Postby ozzy72 » Wed Apr 02, 2003 2:20 am

This sounds exactly like the cat my missus had! Evil persian thing.

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Re: The correct way to give a cat a bath . .

Postby Polynomial » Thu Apr 03, 2003 6:37 pm

Having a siamese male cat - i can believe that!!!!
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Re: The correct way to give a cat a bath . .

Postby Threadkiller » Thu Apr 03, 2003 10:14 pm

lol ;D sooooo true!!!!! 8)
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Re: The correct way to give a cat a bath . .

Postby Blade » Fri Apr 04, 2003 12:04 am

Bit long but so true  ;)
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Re: The correct way to give a cat a bath . .

Postby Squeek » Fri Apr 04, 2003 9:09 am

At my house we have to tauntinies (half bermise half simmise) (exuse me spelling feel free to correct me wiht it). I will have to have my mom read that one.
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Re: The correct way to give a cat a bath . .

Postby Iroquois » Sat Apr 05, 2003 8:02 pm

Orenda's quick and easy way to give a cat a bath. These 8 simple steps will clean your cat with a minimum of blood loss.
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.
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Re: The correct way to give a cat a bath . .

Postby Loafing Smurf » Sat Apr 05, 2003 8:11 pm

LOL orenda

I was thinking.

1) Put the cat in a cage.

2) Fill the bath tub with water

3) Put the cadged cat in the bathtub

4) Take the cat out and dry in dryer.

P.S What if the wet cat runs outside where its like -10 degrees and freezes.

You know a farmer did find his dog frozen once.
Last edited by Loafing Smurf on Sat Apr 05, 2003 8:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The correct way to give a cat a bath . .

Postby Deputy » Sat Apr 05, 2003 11:05 pm

LOL orenda

I was thinking.

1) Put the cat in a cage.

2) Fill the bath tub with water

3) Put the cadged cat in the bathtub

4) Take the cat out and dry in dryer.

P.S What if the wet cat runs outside where its like -10 degrees and freezes.

You know a farmer did find his dog frozen once.



Here is what Ranger would do. . .

1) Put cat in cage

2) Fill bathtub with water

3) Add some clorox

4) Add cage with cat

5) Make artificial waves for a "power cleaner" effect

6) Remove cage with bleached cat inside

7) Proceed to remove cat from cage and perform C.P.R.

-Bad Brad
Last edited by Deputy on Sat Apr 05, 2003 11:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The correct way to give a cat a bath . .

Postby ozzy72 » Sun Apr 06, 2003 4:14 am

Odd if I have to do this, then I'd corner the cat and use one of those armoured police riot vehicles with a water cannon on top!

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Re: The correct way to give a cat a bath . .

Postby BFMF » Sun Apr 06, 2003 4:05 pm

lol!

Why not just shoot the cat while you have a chance ;D
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Re: The correct way to give a cat a bath . .

Postby Iroquois » Sun Apr 06, 2003 5:28 pm

Orenda's quick and easy way to give a cat a pill in 8 easy steps.

Senario: You have to give your cat a pill. You want to do in the simplest way while still tortureing your cat for shreading your great-grandma's antique quilt. All though this can be done using only steps 1-4, but where's the fun in that?

Step 1: Go to Canadian Tire and buy an air rifle and some big game stun darts.

Step 2: Go take clippings from the strange plants in your bloodshot eyed neighbours backyard.

Step 3: Liquify plant clippings and put slury into stun darts.
Last edited by Iroquois on Sun Apr 06, 2003 5:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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