Things you DON'T want to hear during surgery

[ozzy72]

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survive 500ml of this stuff before?
There go the lights again...
You know, there's big money in kidneys.. and this guy's got two of 'em.
Eveybody stand back! I've lost a contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing my concentration off.
What's this doing here?
I hate it when there's stuff missing in here.
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for the sex change?
OK, now take a picture from this angle, this is truely a freak of nature.
This patient has already had kids, am I right?
Nurse, did this patient sign an organ doners card?
Don't worry, I think it's sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"?
Fire! Fire! Everyone out!
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

[BFMF]

phew, good thing I was put down during the three surgeries i've had

[Woodlouse2002]

WOW!!! Andrew has been put down 3 times... They didn't do a very good job... When my cat was put down it never woke up!

[BFMF]

ok, modified my post

I just remembered that I woke up in the middle of the last surgery. I saw them pulling, cutting, & tugging, but I just simply went back to sleep

[Squeek]

good one. i am glad i have never gone in

[Deputy]

More things -

"Awww shit"
"Oh no!"
"Duct tape"
"Ewwww, look at that."
"Howdy partner, this is my first time doing this."
"I hear voices."
"I see things."
"Sorry."
"Hehehehe"
"How do you put this back together?"
"I think I broke him"
"He ain't walking again now.  "
"Paddles!!!"
"Wow, I knew I should have paid attention in medical school."
"Ahhh, screw it"
"Tell the family"
"Call the morgue"
"Let's try to make this the first succesfull surgery"
"Nah, don't bother. It'll be fine"
"Don't tell me I operated on the wrong person"
"I thought you said castrated"

And my all out favorite,
"Paddles!!!"

[BMan1113VR]

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Eveybody stand back! I've lost a contact lens!
What's this doing here?
I hate it when there's stuff missing in here.

lol, when i saw the title for this topic i was already thinking thoose

[Smoke2much]

I've worked in operating theatres.

You guys are closer to the truth than you think...............

he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he

will

[ozzy72]

My mum is a nurse Will, where do you think I got these from?

Mark

[Smoke2much]

I thought they had a ring of truth......

An eminent consultant surgeon once threw a a pair of forceps at me.  He was performing a laporoscopic choleocystectomy (Key hole removal of the gall bladder).  The incision was about 2" long and the gall bladder was full, and I mean FULL of Gall stones.  he had been tugging away at this thing for about five minutes until finally it came out with a load "Plop" sound.  I turned to my colleague and said really quietly "Congratulations mrs x, it's a healthy bouncing gall bladder."  Only problem was that he heard me and went absolutely loopy, he threw the forceps which hit me in the chest.  The theatre charge nurse started shouting at him and me at the same time.  I had to write a letter of apology to him and I got a very polite letter back apologising for the forceps which he "tossed rather forcibly onto the tray and unfortunately rebounded, stricking you(me) in the chest".  Not been back inside an operating thetre since.

Was very funny at the time.

Will

[ozzy72]

Mum had a couple of good ones whilst working in paediatrics that always made me smile, the first was when a junior doctor wrote up some notes on a proctological examination of a 2 year old boy using an endoscope (think it was this anyhow), and used the annotation for feet rather than inches, and put down that he had investigated up to 2 feet, and my mother asked if the child needed his tonsils removed? Fortunately the doctor laughed at himself.
The other was a small boy with about 3 with elephantitus of the middle finger, so it was about the size of a normal adult finger, that caused a lot of laughs.

Oh and one of my friends was once constipated and went to see the MO to get something for it, and was given some sepositories (them bottom torpedos), and told that this would cure him.
A couple of days later I asked how things were, and had the problem been resolved, and he said "The MOs a ***** I could have shoved them things up my arse for all the good they've done!"

Ozzy