Found these on another forum so I've shamelessly copied em here
1
Q: Why are so many guitarists jokes one-liners?
A: So the rest of the band can understand them.
2
Q: How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune?
A: Evidently all of them.
3
Q: How do you know when the stage is level?
A: The lead guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
4
Q: What’s the difference between a keyboard and a synthesizer?
A: Who cares – neither one’s a guitar.
5
Q: What do you do if your rhythm guitarist is drowning?
A: Throw him his amp.
6
Q: What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless…
7
Q: How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.
8
Q: How does a guitar player show he’s planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
9
Q: How do you get two lead guitarists to play in perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.
10
Two guys were walking down the street …one was destitute…
the other was a guitar player as well…
11
Q: What do you call a successful guitarist?
A: A guy whose wife has 2 jobs.
12
Q: What do you call in “in-tune electric guitar?”
A: An oxymoron.
13
Q: What do you tell a guitarist that is freaking out?
A: Don’t fret.
14
“Mommy, Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!”
“Now Johnny, you can’t do both!”
15
Q: What do you call a guitar player without a lawnmower?
A: Unemployed.
16
Q: Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
A: Neither have I.
17
Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None…they just steal someone else’s light.
18
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five – One to change the bulb and 4 do watch him and say “I can do better than that.”
19
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one– but he’ll go though a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
20
Q: In the 22nd Century, how many guitarists will it take to change a tube?
A: Five – One to do it and 4 to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
21
Q: What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit?
A: “Will the defendant please rise …”
22
Q: What’s black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A: A guitarist who’s told too many drummer jokes.
23
Q: What is the first sign you’re hallucinating?
A: Two guitar players are playing in tune.
24
Q: How do you make a guitar player’s car more aerodynamic?
A: Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof.
25
Q: What’s the difference between a guitarist and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
26
Q: What’s the difference between a guitar player and a certificate of deposit?
A: The CD will eventually mature and make money.
27
Q: What’s the difference between a lawnmower and an Electric Guitar?
A: You can tune a lawnmower.
28
Q: How many Electric Guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change it and four to discuss how Eric Clapton would have done it.
29
Q: What does a Heavy Metal Musician use for birth control?
A: His personality.
30
Q: How does a lead guitarist change a light bulb?
A: He holds it and the world revolves around him.
31
Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Put sheet music in front of him.
32
Q: What’s the definition of a minor second?
A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.
33
Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.
34
Q: What do you throw to save a drowning guitarist?
A: Pro-Tools.
35
Q: Whats one way to paralyze a guitarist?
A: Tell him the red light is on.
36
Q: How long does it take to tune a 12-string guitar?
A: Nobody knows.
37
Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!
38
Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A: You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish.
39
Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: A guitar player with a business card.
40
Q: How many blues guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four, one to change the bulb and three to sing about how much better Lucile did it.
41
Q: What do you say to a jazz guitarist at work?
A: Big Mac and large fries please!
42
Q: How long does a guitar stay in tune?
A: About twenty minutes, or until someone plays it.
43
Q: What’s the definition of an optimist?
A: A guitarist with a mortgage.
44
Q: Why was the amplifier invented?
A: So the guitarist would have a place to put his beer.
45
Q: How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Jazz musicians can’t afford light bulbs.
46
Q: What did the lead guitarist get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.
47
Q: What did the blues guitarist’s tombstone read?
A: “I 'didn’t' wake up this morning.”
48
Q: What would a guitarist do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
49
Q: What’s the difference between an electric guitar player and a vacuum cleaner?
A: When you unplug a vacuum cleaner it doesn’t suck anymore.
50
Q: What’s the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO?
A: You can negotiate with the PLO.
51
Q: How can you tell when an electric guitar is out of tune?
A: The strings are vibrating.
52
Q: Why do guitarists have to be awake by six o’clock?
A: Because most stores close by six thirty.
53
Q: What’s the range of a Gibson Les Paul?
A: Depends on how far you throw it.
54
Q: What do you call a stressed guitar player?
A: Strung out!
55
Q : What is a gentleman?
A: A guitarist who can play fusion but doesn’t.
56
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
57
Q: Why did the guitar player get angry with the singer?
A: The singer turned a string and wouldn’t say which one.
58
Q: What did the guitarist do when told to turn his amplifier on?
A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
59
Q: Why bury guitarists six feet under?
A: Because deep down they are very nice people.
60
Q: How do you make a guitarist’s eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in his ear.
61
Q: What’s the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
62
Q: How many bluegrass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They won’t touch anything electric.
63
Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like an Electric Guitar?
A: Add vibrato.
64
Q: What’s the difference between an Electric Guitar and an Acoustic Guitar?
A: The Electric Guitar burns longer.
65
Q: What’s worse than telling jokes about guitarists?
A: Laughing at them.
Cheers
Rich
Simviation Forums
Flight Simulator and other chat
